Children and Divorce

Q: My son is seven years old. His father and I have been divorced for almost a year. He spends every other weekend with his father, and several weeks in the summer. When he comes home, he talks about the things they did together, but doesn't want to tell me everything. He talks for awhile, then wants to go to his room. I want to know everything that goes on while he is with his father, like what they talk about and if his father has girlfriends. As his mother, I think it is important for me to know these things. Should I insist that my son tell me everything?

A. Divorce is very difficult for children, but they learn to cope. However, they will learn to cope better and more quickly if their parents help them. You need to accept that your son is trying to adjust to a separate life with you, and a separate life with his father. Unless you are concerned that something inappropriate or abusive is happening, you should not push your son for details of the visit with his father. Understand that your child loves both of his parents and is struggling with issues of divided loyalty. Ask yourself if you are seeking information because you are truly interested in your child and what he experienced, or whether you are curious about what his father is doing. As a concerned and interested parent, you can ask your child how he enjoyed the visit with his father, if he did anything interesting or special, if there is anything he would like to talk about, and when you feel that he is getting into an area that is uncomfortable for him, then you know you are seeking answers to satisfy your own reasons. I can understand that you feel protective, but pushing for personal information may damage your relationship, and cause more heart ache for your child. You don't want him to feel that he is being torn apart by cross-examination. If possible, try to keep communication open between you and his father, for his sake. That way, if you do have concerns, you can discuss them with his father.

Please contact me if you would like to discuss this further. Thank you for your question.