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Nothing Ever Goes Right:
Holding a Grudge

Q:Nothing ever goes right for me. I think I am very unlucky. People don't treat me with respect. I have been searching for a job for two years. During that time, I did get two jobs that lasted less than two weeks because the employer didn't train me, then blamed me when I didn't know what to do. I apply for jobs, but never get a response and if I call to follow up, I get a brush off. Even my family is so demanding of me, and I can never live up to their expectations, and everything I do is "wrong". Nothing ever goes right, and life seems unfair. I am angry all the time, at everyone.

A: I understand it is very frustrating when it seems like nothing goes right in your life. However, it seems you are holding grudges against everyone: family, past employers, future employers, and this kind of attitude is hurting you. You will not be able to improve your life if you carry these feelings.

While you perceive these actions against you as personal affronts, in reality they probably are not personal attacks. The people who have "done these things to you" have moved on and probably forgot about it. So to get over these feelings and move on in a more positive direction, here are some things you can do:

• Make a list of the injustices you feel have happened to you. Divide the list into things you can change and things you cannot change. This will help you to focus productively
• Understand that it's not "all or nothing". Ask yourself if the injustices have to affect all areas of your every day life. Your answer better be that "no"! And keep in mind that unfairness is not always a disadvantage unless you make it such.
• Make a choice. Ask, "can I still work to build a meaningful life in spite of this unfairness and disadvantage?" If you have trouble saying yes, realize you are making a choice by refusing to get over something you cannot change.
• Question your anger. If you find yourself dwelling on an injustice, ask yourself if this situation will change by your being upset.
• Mind your self-talk. Instead of telling yourself "this is unfair", tell yourself "this is annoying", It is what it is. The verbal self-talk will help you keep perspective
• Work on self-direction. Tune into how you want to act in certain circumstances in spite of unfairness

And remember that it's all relative. Ask yourself how much this particular injustice matters in the grand scheme of life.

You don't have power over what other people do, but you do have choices how you will respond to what they do to you. And you have the power to turn your thinking around and make your life more meaningful.

I hope this is helpful to you and that you can work to start feeling better. Please let me know if you would like to continue talking about this in a counseling session.

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