Q:I read your article about how love can last forever. For me, that's a problem. My husband of 22 years told me he wanted a divorce, we have separated, and he is already in another relationship. He has been my only love. I know it's over, and want to learn how to un-love now. Help!

A: In my article about Can Love Last Forever, I referred to love relationships that were mutual, and when a partner died, the other part felt that the love from the relationship was enough to last them the rest of their life. Keeping that kind of love alive is not unhealthy, but trying to keep love alive from a relationship that is over is not healthy, and will cause you stagnation in your life.
Time is a healer, and it does take time to get over a broken heart. It really will happen that one day you will realize that you are feeling better. And there are some things you can do to help the process along.
Take a look at your self- talk. What are you telling yourself about the love you feel toward this man? Are you telling yourself that you will always love him, and you can never get over him? If so, then you are sabotaging yourself. Try to re-phrase what you are thinking. Tell yourself "I have loved him for a long time, but I can get over this pain, and I can move on". Instead of thinking, "he is the only man I can ever love"; tell yourself "I can get out of the habit of loving him, and even love someone else". You empower yourself with positive self-talk.
Changing your thinking is half the solution. The other half is doing something different. Get rid of reminders. If you are not ready to throw them away, then put them in a place where you can't see them. When you feel yourself getting swallowed up in pain, get yourself physically moving. Take a walk to get your blood circulating to clear your head and heart. Doing something nice for someone else is a sure way to take your mind off your pain, and share the love from your heart with someone else. It's a way to move on positively with your life.
It takes time and real work to re-program your mind and your heart, but if you really want to un-love, replace feelings you don't want with something else positive, and toward someone else, or yourself. However, don't re-think your love thoughts and feelings with negative ones or you will only hurt yourself more. You can re-think neutral, but don't re-think negative. Hate is not the opposite of love: indifference is. It's hard work, but if you hate, you will hurt.
I hope these ideas are helpful to you. Best wishes, dear one, and let me know how you are doing.

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