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Not Grieving after a Spouse Dies

Q: My husband and I were married for 28 years. He had a stroke three years before he died, was so disabled that I took care of him, including his most basic needs. I certainly loved him, but it was very stressful for both of us, and neither of us was happy after his stroke. When he died, instead of feeling sad, I felt relieved. When I cleaned out his clothes and other things, I felt joyous, like I was getting rid of the past and now able to regain my life. But I have never told anyone how I feel. In fact, I feel a little guilty for being relieved and happy to get on with my life. After all, it seems like the "normal" reaction to the death of your spouse should be sadness and grief. Is it wrong to feel this way? How can I heal? Do other people feel this way? I loved him, took care of him, and don't regret or resent taking care of him after his stroke, but I'm 56 years old and really do have a life I am looking forward to.

A: Your healing will really start when you stop beating yourself up for feeling sad and being miserable. It sounds like you were a good spouse, took care of your husband during the "worse" after his stroke. These years of caring for him were exhausting for you, and of course you will feel relieved. Many people in this situation feel the same, but don't talk about it because they don't want to be judged by others for what they feel. At some time, you might start feeling the loss, but then again, you might not. I'm sure you miss the good times you and your husband had, and that's what you will grieve over. You probably started your grieving over the loss of your relationship after he had the stroke, and your life as the couple you hoped to be was over. When he died, that grieving was over, and the relief of all the caretaking being over was a good feeling for you.

So, stop feeling guilty. If you do feel grief over the loss later, that's natural too, and those feelings are normal. Your husband would not want you to be miserable now, and a loving spouse would want you to get on with your life after he dies.

If you need some support later, please write again. Take good care, be happy with your life.

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