Sex with your Ex

Q:My ex-husband and I have been divorced for about three years. Even though our marriage was awful, the sex was always really good. Since singles sex is risky, we get together at least once a month just for sex. Well, that's what it's supposed to be-just sex. But after the sex I feel like I want to get back together with him. He doesn't ever want to get back together, so that's not going to happen. Then after a few days, I realize I don't want to get back together, either. But these feelings are making me wonder if maybe the sex is a bad idea, instead of a good one. I have strong intentions of our "dates" being just for sex and fun, but then I get depressed because I think I want us to get back together after we make love. Also, I think this relationship is keeping me from getting into a healthy romantic relationship. What do you think? I can't believe I'm asking this!

A:You can tell your brain that your dates for sex will be for sex. Period. But your body is betraying you. When a woman has a sexual experience, her body releases oxytocin, a hormone that causes a woman to feel bonded to her partner. That's why you feel so strongly about wanting to get back together after your "date", but a few days later you regain your resolve for your relationship to be only sexual. So you see, the release of oxytoxin really is making you feel bonded to your ex, and possibly keeping you from pursuing relationships with other people you meet. Men don't have the same response to sexual activity, and that's why your ex doesn't feel the same way.

Now you have some decisions to make. Please let me know if I can help. And thanks for your question. I am sure it will help other readers understand one of the things that happens to a women during sexual activity.

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