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Power of Forgiveness

Q.My ex-girlfriend and I were together for a couple of years, and I caught her with another guy, then she moved in with him. I am so full of rage, got into some legal trouble and now ordered to anger management. It's not even my fault I have to go to this counseling, it's her fault for what she did. My counselor keeps telling me I need to forgive her. Why should I forgive her for hurting me so much, making me get in this legal trouble because of it? This clueless counselor isn't going to ever sign off ending my enforced counseling because I'm still mad.

A: I can understand how difficult it is to be in required counseling. In your case, it sounds like you are committed to going until the counselor determines you have developed inner resources to manage your anger and then "signs off" for you to terminate the counseling. It's not only difficult for you, but also for the counselor because counselors know they can't help a client unless the client wants to be helped.

It sounds like you are struggling with the concept of forgiveness, which makes no sense to you because you weren't the person who was unfaithful in the relationship. Yet your feelings about what happened caused you to be angry and get in the legal problems, so it seems like it would be to your benefit to work through those anger feelings and be able to feel more at peace in yourself.

The only person you have "control" over is yourself. You can learn to choose how you decide to feel and act. So the concept of forgiveness is NOT about the other person: the concept of forgiveness is for YOU. The forgiveness is not intended to make a difference for your ex-girlfriend. It's to help you work through your feelings so that you feel better, and you gain more control over your feelings, and your actions.

Your counselor is trying to help you understand that the forgiving process is for YOUR benefit. I suggest you work with this counselor and use the ideas the counselor gives you to go through this process. Generally, this process is about identifying your feelings and talking about them, or better yet, write them down in a journal because this helps to purge them from your mind and heart. Then hold the person who is the source of these feelings in your mind, as a person who is a imperfect human being with shortcomings, and try to figure out what might have caused them to act this way. This process helps you to develop compassion and realize they are only human and doing what they need to do for their own happiness and survival in life. You don't have to accept abusive behavior, but to be able to identify it helps you to understand they are only human and not perfect. If you are sincere and honest with this process, you will start feeling better. You will realize and believe that while you cannot control another person, you can control your own choices not only about your actions, but also your feelings. It's not easy! It takes courage to do this. I hope you are able to work through this with the help of your counselor.

Please write again and let me know how you are doing.

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