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How to respond to nasty people
without stooping to their level

Q. My brother married a woman who seems to dislike our family, especially me, and is always making nasty comments to us. When she is not around, we try to think of good come-backs to say to her to put her in her place, but we don't want to alienate our brother. And we really don't want to stoop to her level. Got any suggestions?

A: While we all have moments of meanness when we are stressed or insecure, there are some people who are nasty all the time. And you're correct in saying we don't accomplish anything, or feel good about ourselves, when we stoop to their level. Psychologists suggest that people who make nasty comments all the time are insecure and feel inferior to you, so their purpose in making these comments is to try to slash you down to their level. So the first thing to realize is that it's not about you; it's about them.

There's a good book written by Jay Carter, Psy D., "Nasty People:How to Stop Being Hurt by Them Without Stooping to Their Level". Here are a few suggestions from the book:

• See it for what it is rather than internalizing the criticism or dwelling on what you did to cause the attack. The nasty person has personal issues that you cannot change. You can only change yourself and how you respond to them
• Get away. Exit the room, the conversation, or even town, if necessary, calmly without saying anything you will regret
• Diffuse with humor. When your brother's wife comments on a skimpy outfit, agree with her to the point of exaggeration and say something like "I know, I am such a slut" which may cause everyone to laugh and move on
• Silent confrontation. Rather than say anything, just maintain eye contact and give a calm smile that indicates you know what your tormentor is doing to you. Eventually they will feel uncomfortable and they will stop or leave
• Come again? Asking someone to repeat the nasty remark (I'm sorry, what did you just say to me?) forces them to own up to what they just said, and their embarrassment may stop the problem
• Dont: taunt, name call or get physically violent. And telling the nasty person they are wrong will only escalate the problem

Please write again and let me know how these strategies work for you.

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