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Helping Teens Grieve Death of a Peer

Q. My 16 year old daughter lost her best friend who died in a car accident. She keeps telling us that she just can't believe it, and I'm really concerned that she doesn't want to leave her room because she is afraid something will happen to her, too. And she won't talk with her parents about it, but always wants to talk with her friends only. How can I help her deal with this?

A: When teenagers lose a peer, a friend, someone who they are close to emotionally, they are affected in ways that are unique to their age group.

At their age, they believe they are invulnerable. They are looking forward to the future. They are not used to thinking about death and loss. And when a peer dies, they suddenly feel vulnerable.This kind of awakening makes their grief more difficult and unique to deal with.

Because teens are at the age where they are starting to establish their autonomy from their parents, their peer group is extremely important to them. Their identity and social life is often so focuses around their peers that the loss may be more important than parents realize. And parents may be the last people they want to turn to.

The main thing you can do is listen. Ask open ended questions, like "how are your friends coping?" and listen in a nonjudgmental way. Resist the temptation to offer platitudes, like "she's in a better place", "everything happens for a reason". You can't impose adult coping strategy on a teenager. And if they ask questions you don't have an answer to, admit that you don't know.

And teenagers often think and say things like "it's my fault" (that she didn't talk her out of being in the car) or "why didn't it happen to me instead of her". You don't have the answer, but you can be supportive and help them see life changes, and assure them that you are glad it didn't happen to them, and you will work with them to move ahead.

It's also important for teens to channel their grief into coping activities. Suggest ways to make meaning of the loss, like a memorial to recognize their peer. Ask if there is something they can do to be helpful to her friend's family to help them with the loss of their daughter. Doing something that helps move toward closure is often appealing and helpful to adolescents.

Please write again to let me know how your daughter, and you, are doing.

 

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